I’m excited to present ATWOM’s very first guest columnist! As the topic he’d like to discuss is extremely sensitive, let’s just refer to him as “Face Boy.” Oh yeah–it’s a BOY! 

Without further ado, here is his spectacular rant on face wash. Take it away, Face!

Body Wash: Straight to the Face!

As a guy with  not-great skin, I can admit that I’ve purchased enough facial-cleansing products to get my “Man Card” revoked in a West Hollywood nightclub. If you were to take one look at me, you’d know full well that I have valiantly fought horribly lost many battles with acne throughout my time on this planet. From apricot-scented exfoliating scrubs to “fair trade” cleansers with too much copy on the bottles, I’ve tried them all.

Price Mark-Up: $.99 for “all natural” ingredients, $12 for printer ink

I’ve fallen prey to convincing marketing campaigns (mostly geared toward women), pretty designs on the bottles (again, geared toward women) and my female friends recommending products (seriously, I must be a woman), in my quest to achieve good skin. But after many years of abusing my skin – no, not THAT skin abuse – I’ve finally found the best product for my skin-type: MUTHA F**KIN’ BODY WASH, MUTHA FUCKA!

A little backstory: As a guy, I’ve been told since 2003 (aka The Year of Axe) that my scent must fall between Matt Damon Musk and Armenian Banquet Hall. And when, for reasons beyond my comprehension, these odors began to gain popularity and produce knock-offs – Tag and Old Spice Body Wash (c’mon, as much as we all love Old Spice Guy, he wouldn’t be here without Axe) – the bastards had the balls to release a goddamn Body AND Hair wash.

“GEL DOUCHE.” It lists their demographic clear as day, people.

Beyond “extreme anger,” I didn’t put much thought into these silly hybrid products. I might have even gone so far as to call these products lazy, because c’mon, EVERYBODY knows hair needs shampoo to survive. This combination quickly turned me off to all sorts of other possibilities of product double-uses (I swear, I’d rather have eaten a goat hoof than use a toothpick for anything other than getting Chinese food out of my teeth).

I would have traveled back in time to prevent this from happening

But that all changed when I was forced into a at-the-time horrifying situation where I was only allowed to shower with body wash, and not my proven-failure trusty face wash. My face desperately needed washing, and all I had was my Target-brand generic Dove gel (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that at this point I’d gone full woman-scent). I begrudgingly applied it to said face, and went through the rest of my day pretending like I still had dignity. It was not easy. But throughout the day, I noticed that my face was not irritated from sand (exfoliants), dried out from salycilic acid, or bursting with Morning.

The terrorists have not yet discovered this weapon

Pretty soon I realized that my face was feeling better than ever, and it was all because of $4.66 body wash (I saved $.33 with a  manufacturer’s coupon). Since that day less than one year ago, I haven’t had one major acne breakout, and my skin has felt better than ever. Seriously, here’s my address for you to feel it:

Our lawyers advised against giving out our address.

In summation, the hundreds of dollars I’ve spent on all sorts of face washes with money-back guarantees (why did I never take them up on it?) all could have been spent on booze and gambling put back in my pocket if I’d just realized one simple thing: my face IS my body, and is honestly treated better by the same product I use to wash the rest of my manly parts.